So a good twenty-two months have flown by since the day of my graduation. What happens next? My mind is constantly flustered with thoughts and confusion. Anything I put together didn’t seem to make sense of this ‘next step.’ I am currently in a pile of puzzle pieces from numerous puzzles, trying to piece each piece together, but not being able to figure out what is what. So where am I now?
I find myself lying in bed staring at the white plaster, what I call my ceiling, and begin to question God’s will in my life. ‘Why God, am I here on earth?’ ‘Why can’t you directly tell me what my purpose is?’ ‘Why are you putting me through all of this?’ Why this and why that. It almost feels as if there is a barrier on top of me or some sort of heavy weight that pressures me to come closer to the world. Is it just me? So I’m in my bed every night, nagging and constantly asking ‘why.’ Please do not get me wrong though. I thank God always for where I am today is because of God. These “why” questions tend to roll of my tongue so quickly, but I am also quick to rebuke myself afterwards. Why do I keep doing this? [Ha. There I go again!] But there has to be some sort of reason; this urge to know what the next step or to yearn for what is to come. It's unfair that one God has all the answers. It simply is not fair! To be honest, I wasn’t going to write about this feeling, but after a short prayer with Pastor Mark and him being ever-so-caring and giving me advice, I had this conviction to share with you all what was given to me.
As I was sharing with Pastor Mark [which I urge you all to do :)], he reminded me of the ‘Parable of the Persistent Widow,’ which can be found in Luke 18:1-8. This widow constantly plead with the judge to give her justice. The judge of course refuses, but after some time, before he himself gets worn out by this woman, he grants her justice. Then Jesus states, ’Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly.’
I was never a patient man. Ever since I could remember, most of my prayer requests that I have shared with people dealt with me ‘wanting more patience.’ And here I am impatient as ever and it actually is a good thing. I always thought of me being so selfish or immature that I would succumb to this. But in actuality, God is listening to every single question that I have to ask and he will answer. Of course, God Himself cannot grow weary, but I am assured by this parable that God is and always will be watching over me. When I serve in church, I feel comforted for I know what I am doing is to glorify God, but who knew that being impatient would give you the same comfort! I am and will always be my father’s son and boy do I have a lot of nagging and growing to do. So I will continue to stare at my ceiling and ask why. God will most definitely answer me and I cannot wait for what is in store for me.